Seriously, I drink way too much Coke Zero. It’s out of hand.

Actually, I over consume caffeinated drinks in general.

I know it’s bad for me, but I’m addicted to the stuff.

For example, I got into the office on Monday morning and was anticipating a tasty start to the day. See the boss will get bagels once a week (Usually). Frequently the bagels show up on a Monday. Occasionally on a Tuesday. Sometimes on a Wednesday. But I had a strong feeling there would be bagels that morning.

[perfectpullquote align=”left” bordertop=”false” cite=”” link=”” color=”” class=”” size=””]To be honest, this coke problem goes way back.[/perfectpullquote]

So I was a little disappointed though relieved (I’ve put on 10 pounds in 3 months) when there were no bagels on the breakfast bar counter in the upstairs kitchen. But while I was there, I figured I’d grab a large cup of coffee. The bossman likes his gourmet coffee and has several expensive coffee machines. Anyway, the only real rule is to brew the coffee extra strong. I had a former co-worker at my last gig who was a strong coffee aficionado and would have labeled the pot with a sticky note to indicate it’s potency to the unwary — something along the lines of Mario’s Nuclear Cowboy would work with this stuff.

Back at my desk, I was still in bagel mode. I should have just sucked it up and went without a snack (I’d actually already had a bowl of oatmeal at home — I know, oink oink. Don’t judge me). But I went back upstairs and grabbed a coconut and almond Kind Bar because I have nada when it comes to willpower. And I had to have a Coke Zero with it. I’m addicted to the stuff. I don’t know if it’s the fizziness or what, but I have to have an ice cold one at most of my meals.

I’d just finished the Kind Bar when the boss showed up with the bagels. I knew I should just skip the bagel — said no one ever — and off I went to get one. My problem was, I didn’t have enough Coke Zero left to drink with my bagel — though I still had plenty of coffee to drink.

But I had to have a soda. Coffee wouldn’t cut it. I can’t eat a bagel or donuts or anything at all for that matter without a coke. It’s a weakness. So I gave in and I had another Coke Zero.  And then I drank my super-potent coffee because I didn’t want to waste it.

You’re probably wondering: Didn’t all that caffeine make you feel jittery?

As far as small victories go, I felt a little proud that I didn’t have another soda until 11:30 a.m. when I ate a giant salad I’d brought to work for lunch. (You know because I’m such a health nut.)

To be honest, this coke problem goes way back. In college, I once went to the student health center because I was getting these massive headaches, and being a hypochondriac, I was worried I had a brain tumor. The doctor asked me numerous questions trying to deduce the cause of my headaches. Finally, she asked how much soda I drank a day. I thought hard and replied it was around four or five 44 ounce cups of soda a day (5 to 6.5 liters).

“You know, without testing, I think I can make a safe guess as to what the problem is,” she announced. So I cut back on my soda intake and the headaches stopped.

I actually had to get my blood drawn this last Friday. The tech had trouble finding where to stick me and tapped my arm like a junkie looking for that last good vein. He told me my veins were too small because I wasn’t properly hydrated (Fair enough, but to be honest I hadn’t expected they’d be drawing blood or I would have drunk water). He told me he drinks about a gallon of water and green tea a day to stay hydrated.

I told him I get most of my water from sodas. The look on his face — a cross between incredulity and horror. He told me I was on the road to kidney stones. I told him my body is uniquely adapted to process soda, but I don’t think he bought it.

Anyway, on my way home Monday evening, I decided I needed to stop by the grocery store to pick up another few premade giant salads for lunch, and I made an unplanned purchase:

What can I say? It was on sale.

My name is Sean, and I have a Coke problem.